Do I make a difference?
Isn't that the question that pervades our thinking as we do our dailies, check off our do's, argue, text, meet, pray, email, decide, research, shop, hope, dream, love?
Do I really matter?
As I ran this morning, through the smattering of rain in the moist Mississippi humidity, I realized that I struggle with this striking, bald question. Sometimes, it is painful to touch that nerve, that reality of the fear that the answer might just be - I can't even, don't even want to think...
No.
As I grow older in my motherhood, you see, my children need me less. They think they need me A LOT less than they actually do, but they definitely need me less than they used to. My reminders become nagging, my wisdom becomes tedious, my job becomes, well, extinct. Ouch.
Even my husband, busy preaching, teaching, deaconing, mentoring, brainstorming, planting, sowing, reaping, speaking, traveling, learning, reading, discipling, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, doesn't really have time to be coddling me through this next transition of life, this wide open space of what-in-the- ever-living-world-am-I-supposed-to-do-now time.
There are these seasons, these spaces that God doesn't seem to quickly fill, instead, quietly emptying out, draining the excess and extra. I know I should know why, but I don't. I expect that He will fill the space eventually, but He may not. And what then?
I look back at the life He has given me, and believe me, I am so blessed, so thankful to have been given much. There is a rich heritage of faith, forged through fire and tears, that I press into every day. There are a great cloud of witnesses that I come behind, following their faithful footsteps. I feel their guardianship, their prayers before me and for me. I have also been extremely blessed to have been given my life's dream: to be a wife and mother. I cannot and will not imagine my life separate from these precious, priceless people; God granted me everything in one fell swoop.
So, it seems a bit presumptuous to ask, but I do. Is there more? Am I done? I mean, can I dream further than this?
A flutter in my heart tells me, yes. Yes, Daughter of Mine, I still have a future and a hope for you. I AM preparing a filling future. Wait on Me, yes, Wait on My Hand to move and work, for in Me you live and move and have your being. Abide, abide, abide.
So do I matter?
YES! I matter to the One Who Matters Most.
Amen.
