(im-possible)
With man, it is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

So, my son's first day of college is today.

Sorry, did you get that?

MY SON'S FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE IS TODAY!!!

I so wanted to take his picture and publish to all social media sites. I wanted to make him breakfast. I wanted to pray with him. I wanted to write all over his car with that annoying white marker-thing and shout to the world that this guy is a college student.

But I could do none of those things. I have a new job which needs me to be here by 7:15 in the morning. Since I have a 45 minute commute, all of those great ideas were not possible.

There are many things that are not possible at my house anymore. Like consistently cooking dinner for my family, or all of us eating together, or sitting at the table for every meal. Like all going to church together or saying prayers at night or daily exercise.

These things are beyond me now. I have a full-time job across town that has blurred stop lines since the education of children occurs well into the afternoon with activities to boot. I have an end, I have a limit.

My son has limits, too. We discovered this early on, and have worked with him, homeschooling and praying and going over information again and again. Autism and learning disabilities worked against us, but we persevered, placing him finally in a wonderful high school that worked with us and him to graduate him. Then as we looked into college, we realized that since he had some limits, there was no financial aid.

No financial aid.

College is expensive, super expensive. We were unsure how to proceed. What do we do? Let him work? Let him play video games all day?

Let me tell you something really cool: OUR GOD KNOWS NO LIMITS!!!

God made a way through a program we have NEVER heard of, that my son will be able to attend college COMPLETELY PAID FOR! WHAT??!

Not only that, there is an amazing woman working with us, with a similar personality to me, who likes our son, and is making sure he has everything he needs for success. She is basically walking him to school today, taking him to his classes, making sure he has a student ID, books, everything.

Now, this has been a journey; a sometimes bumpy Hobbit journey. But I am here to tell you:

WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

God has a plan for my son. It may continue to be this college experience. It may be something else. I am just trying to follow the steps ahead, and trusting Him.

And watching, as He continues to open seas, and make a way.

(all things)

I have not posted in some time.

It is amazing how working outside the home can take up an incredible amount of time.

However.

In my Facebook feed, I was directed to a memory involving my daughter's graduation from high school. I had written her a letter. It was good to look back, to walk about Zion, and see the towers. How far she has come, how good God has been to us, and to her. Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow.

Now, this week, my son will be walking an aisle, to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance, and graduate high school. My son, who was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, language and math disorders, and a low IQ. My son, who I homeschooled, and very nearly became insane trying to help him learn and read and grow as a man. My son, who we placed in a public high school at the tender age of fourteen, because he needed a team around him, to help him. My son, who overcame many obstacles, bullying, social and educational. My son, who now towers over me, and is one of the best human beings I know. My son, who rises above his diagnosis every day.

This is a big deal.

I am reminded of verses in Romans, that describe the great love of Jesus, the fact that we are no longer condemned, we are children of God; that there is future glory that cannot possibly be compared to this earthly life; that the Holy Spirit Himself prays and intercedes on our behalf when we don't even know how to pray in our own words. When we don't even know how to pray.

And if all of that doesn't make you so thankful, so very thankful, then  comes verse 28:

And we know that for those who love God ALL THINGS work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

So, my son, if I were to write you a few words to tell you how much I love you, how very thankful I am for you, that every moment of your life has been wrought with a purpose, this is what I would tell you.

ALL THINGS.

Your life has not been easy, I know. But, my son, no matter what joys await, what obstacles lie before you, where God wants to take you; He makes ALL THINGS work for good. For your good. It may not be pleasant. But it will, eventually, be for your good.

It will be the making of you.

I love you, son.

(outrun)

I awake at dawn, attempting to outrun the Mississippi heat.

It is seventy-nine degrees at seven a.m.

My Newtons hit the pavement strong, I feel my leg muscles rise to the occasion, new song on the playlist, slight breeze.

At the first half-mile, I can't breathe.

No way, I think. My legs are finally healed, no more tendinitis, no more strained hamstrings, and the problem is now my lungs.

Nevermind high temperatures and high humidity. I started too fast.

Cocky, confident? Overzealous? Too excited to get out there and eat that asphalt?

Frustrated, I backed off. Slower, more regulated. Breathe. In and out. Breathe.

I have learned some runner-speak over the years. There is this thing called negative splits.

Start out slower than you want going out, then kick it coming back in. Save your energy for when it matters. Otherwise, you end up like I did, at the house of Hufflepuff, yearning for air.

To do this, you have to be comfortable with who you are, not trying to impress others runners with your amazing pace, your exceptional form, your quick start up. Be okay with measured progress, be body-aware, fill your lungs and don't waste energy trying to pick your legs up too high or swing your arms too wide.

Just be. Just be you.

Why is that not okay with me? Why do I push it, seek attention, care what the cars think as they whiz past me in my neighborhood, most of the drivers staring at their cell phones? What is it in me that knows the right thing to do, then goes for Olympic speed when I am just starting back into the running groove from a month off?

Approval.

Approval is a cruel taskmaster. Mostly because of this: how in the world are you supposed to know what people really think about you. You don't. So you guess and see if that fits the bill. You do what is generally acceptable by others and hope that you measure up.

The sad thing is: the harder I try, the more I do not receive the approval I crave.

The harder I run to achieve some abstract goal that a stranger in Fleet Feet will be impressed by, the harder I am on my body, the worse my workouts are because I have compromised my health. And after all, aren't I running for my health? Aren't I? Or do I need to seriously consider what is driving me towards the finish line?

What exactly am I trying to outrun?

Good questions.

(grad-elation)

I wrote my daughter a letter for graduation, straight from my heart. If you can relate, let's pray for one another, as we release our precious ones.

My dear girl, Graduation Day, May 17, 2013

Here it is, a day that has been long coming.

When you were born, I did not see it.

When you started talking, it did not occur to me.

When you turned four, insisted on picking out your own clothes, I felt a little of it tickle my arm, but I ignored it.

When we began homeschooling, I caught a glimpse, but it was as far as the horizon to the shore.

All along the way, the future has been waiting patiently, and I have been just has patiently putting it at bay, out of arm's reach.

Until now.

The future is today.

And here you are. Ready.

And here I am. Not ready.

Please know that I am happy for you.

Please know that I am always here for you.

Please know that I will always, always, always love you.

But it is time for you to claim your future.

This is your life.

This is your time.

This is your graduation. 

An ending. 

A beginning.

Your beginning.

I am so proud of the woman I see. 

I am so thankful for how God has worked in your life to transform you into a generous, caring, thoughtful woman of grace.

You are an inspiration to me. 

I am a better person because of you.

And you have no idea how greatly you will be missed in my life.

However, you also have no idea what a huge blessing you are going to be in the lives of those who are soon to meet you.

Much has been given you.

Much will be required.

But you do not go off into your future alone.

Our Lord Jesus said, "I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you."

He goes with you wherever you go.

Even into the future.

And since I can't be everywhere you go, 

I am thankful that I can trust Him with you.

When you were born, I did not see it.

But I am thankful that I have lived to see your future.

And I am so thankful to be your mama.

I love you so very much~

All my blessings and love,

Mama

(graduation)

We are taking pictures, in front of the mantle, outside by the crepe myrtle. My daughter looks like a vision in purple with her friend-boy, so grown-up, Cinderella going to the Prom-Ball. I am trying to be happy. I am trying so hard that my fingernails are digging into my palms. I smile to keep the clinging sadness away, feign joy so that her night will be magical.

But, I must admit, this is all a little depressing.

In four short days, my first child, my little girl, my only girl will graduate from high school. The end. And the beginning.

I admitted to her recently that it took all I had every day of her senior year to not take her face in my hands and cry, "YOU ARE LEAVING ME!!" She thought it was funny. I tried to laugh, too, but I am going to miss her so very much.

I am happy for her, cognitively. I am glad that she is graduating well, going to a good college. I am thankful that she has lived in such a way that is pleasing to her Maker. Really. I think it is great that she is growing up, moving on with her life. I don't want her clinging to me, resisting growth and change. No, I am glad that she feels ready.

I only wish that I could put these feelings at bay, that I could stop being so daggum sentimental about everything. I cry at the drop of a hat nowadays, even at her Mother's Day card and gift. It's embarrassing! My whole family just rolls their eyes at me.

Bittersweet. The perfect word, because even though all those things are true about the fact that I am enjoying seeing her grow up, she is also growing away. And this is one more step closer to her being really on her own.

I know release is important. It doesn't mean it's easy.

So I will go to that blessed event, that Graduation From High School, and look forward with my daughter to a brand new season of life. And know down deep in my heart that I can feel good about the sadness. Because it is that sadness that shows me that I really do care, that my precious daughter does mean so much to me, that I cannot imagine life without her. That if life really is about loving God and loving others, that there is no time wasted when we are highly invested in those we love.

I will be the one with tears and a smile.

(matter)

Do I make a difference?

Isn't that the question that pervades our thinking as we do our dailies, check off our do's, argue, text, meet, pray, email, decide, research, shop, hope, dream, love?

Do I really matter?

As I ran this morning, through the smattering of rain in the moist Mississippi humidity, I realized that I struggle with this striking, bald question. Sometimes, it is painful to touch that nerve, that reality of the fear that the answer might just be - I can't even, don't even want to think...

No.

As I grow older in my motherhood, you see, my children need me less. They think they need me A LOT less than they actually do, but they definitely need me less than they used to. My reminders become nagging, my wisdom becomes tedious, my job becomes, well, extinct. Ouch.

Even my husband, busy preaching, teaching, deaconing, mentoring, brainstorming, planting, sowing, reaping, speaking, traveling, learning, reading, discipling, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, doesn't really have time to be coddling me through this next transition of life, this wide open space of what-in-the- ever-living-world-am-I-supposed-to-do-now time.

There are these seasons, these spaces that God doesn't seem to quickly fill, instead, quietly emptying out, draining the excess and extra. I know I should know why, but I don't. I expect that He will fill the space eventually, but He may not. And what then?

I look back at the life He has given me, and believe me, I am so blessed, so thankful to have been given much. There is a rich heritage of faith, forged through fire and tears, that I press into every day. There are a great cloud of witnesses that I come behind, following their faithful footsteps. I feel their guardianship, their prayers before me and for me. I have also been extremely blessed to have been given my life's dream: to be a wife and mother. I cannot and will not imagine my life separate from these precious, priceless people; God granted me everything in one fell swoop.

So, it seems a bit presumptuous to ask, but I do. Is there more? Am I done? I mean, can I dream further than this?

A flutter in my heart tells me, yes. Yes, Daughter of Mine, I still have a future and a hope for you. I AM preparing a filling future. Wait on Me, yes, Wait on My Hand to move and work, for in Me you live and move and have your being. Abide, abide, abide.

So do I matter?

YES! I matter to the One Who Matters Most.

Amen.

(laugh)

Whew.

Ever find that months have gone by and you have not breathed deeply even once?

Whew.

Ever feel like every day brings a crisis of its own?

Sigh.

Ever feel like life is a not-so-fun carousel outfitted with snarling greyhounds that will not stop spinning?

Okay. Then you know.

This is life. This is super-sized, extra-spicy, huge-a-licious, roller-coaster life.

And this is a fact: Adversity will come.

When the storms come, not if. When the rains come, not if.

So what do we do?

Lock the doors? Batten down the hatches? (honestly, don't know what that means..) Arm up, amp up?

I will tell you what I have been doing. Getting really, really discouraged; really down, really depressed and very, very tired.

This has not been working for me.

I needed a different response. So I prayed that God would show me a different response. And He did.

Laugh.

(I'm sorry, what???)

Laugh in the face of adversity.

(Well, okay, but I don't feel like it.)

No really, laugh.

It's a tough sell for someone with my temperament, even though I actually love to laugh. But I generally laugh when things are...wait for it...funny! Not painful or difficult or frustrating.

But the thing is that God is sovereign over all of this life, and this life is passing. He's got this. Nothing, nothing, nothing will ever separate us from His love or His plans or His direction or His redemption.

So, I am going to try. I will accept that adversity is part of this life I live. But I don't have to accept paralyzing, overwhelming feelings as my fate.

I can choose, by faith, to laugh. Laugh as my God handles my battles, laugh as He loves me and protects me and provides for me. Laugh because He's got this.

So, haha, Life! Is that all you've got??

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. Proverbs 31:25

Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying, "Let us burst their bonds apart and cast away their cords from us." He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision. Psalm 2:1-4