Merry Memories

Last night, we set up our Christmas tree. Pulled out all of the Rubbermaid boxes from the garage that hold decorations, ornaments, towels, pillows, all the festive stuff. And of course, found all of my Thanksgiving decorations behind the Christmas boxes. Right.
While the seasonal music played softly in the background, we placed all of our ornaments on the tree. Everyone having its own story. All of us laughed and smiled and teased each other. It was sweet. It was bittersweet.
It's hard to face, but since both of my children have become teenagers, my brain has been counting down time. My daughter is just about done with high school and my son is just about in. The truth is that we are making precious memories now to look back on later, when my children are no longer under my roof, when they have gone on with their lives and have families of their own. I will be happy for them, I will love their spouses and their children. But I will forever hold in my heart our little traditions, our little jokes and fun and trees and games and movies and moves and heartaches and sacrifices.
Perhaps all of the prophesies that Mary heard before and after the birth of Jesus gave her an advanced bittersweetness.  I am sure that she often remembered stinky shepherds and gift-laden traveling political advisors, the smell of hay and fear and new baby. She pondered all of those things in her heart. With all of the joy she experienced with being chosen by God, she endured moments that I cannot come close to imagining. But she was able to see her Son accomplish His purpose.
So during this Advent season, I will follow her example; releasing my children to fulfill their callings, but holding tightly to the memories.
I will lovingly ponder those for a lifetime.

Unwelcome Discoveries

I really did have a great birthday.
No kidding. It was wonderful. If only I could have let it be what it was instead of trying to make it the Norman Rockwell painting I thought I deserved.
I am a control freak.
No, it's true. I mean, normally I think that I am a laid back person. Relational more than task-oriented. Being more than doing. However, that's a normal day.
Today was different. Today was supposed to be MY day.
Entitlement stinks.
I could have planned it differently, been more intentional, all that but I am neither a planner, nor am I all that intentional on a regular basis. Things came up. Errands needed running. Clothes needed washing. What I thought would be a day of relaxed meditation turned into a busy running around day.
What was that thing about interruptions not being inconveniences but opportunities for growth? Yeah, I don't like that quote. I tend to see interruptions as inconveniences, as in "not now, I'm busy having my birthday!"
I really did have a great birthday. But it would have been better if I had taken the day as it came, being THANKFUL (there it is again!) of all the many gifts of God, including interruptions and errands and running around. Because all is grace.
All is grace. As a willing recipient, I am in wonder and awe. As an entitled child, I am asking, "why and what else do I get and why aren't you making this easier for me?"
All is grace and I still need to be open to thanksgiving and utter dependence and humility.
I am still a work in progress.
I need to remember: all is grace.

Birthday Blessings

On the eve of my forty-fourth birthday, I would like to share the best birthday blessing I have received to date:
Eucharist!
Eucharist means thanksgiving, and thanksgiving has changed my life.
Alexander Schmemann writes: "Eucharist (thanksgiving) is the state of perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God's creation, redemption and gift of heaven." (For the Life of the World, page 37-38)
After two years of intense anxiety, I am now experiencing peace. Why? Thanksgiving.
After multiple spiritual attacks against every member of our family, we have persevered. Why? Thanksgiving.
My relationships have been restored with God, family and friends because of Thanksgiving.
Instead of asking why, I say, "Thank You, Lord."
For all of those blessings in my life, my precious husband, loving son , amazing daughter, wonderful church, beautiful home, I say "Thank You, Lord."
For all of my frustrating circumstances, my own limitations, lack of resources, I say, "Thank You, Lord."
If all things are from His Hand, He means it all for His glory and my good, so I receive and say, "Thank You, Lord."
This one act, this one response has so changed my perspective. It is easy to complain when I do not get my way. It is easy to doubt. It is easy to give in to unbelief. The victory comes with thanks, thanks in ALL things!
They say with age comes wisdom. If this is true, this is one piece of wisdom I want to share!
Eucharist!
Thank You, Lord!

Wrestling to Worship

The last few weeks, I have had a hard time getting out of bed. Just feeling mentally and emotionally beat down for various reasons, including but not limited to future schooling for my special son (with the realization that I am so limited in my skills and he needs much more), finances (two homes, one income), and church planting (not for whimps). The victory at the time was that I relied on the law of my calling. I am a wife, mother and homemaker. I need to do my job.
Inside, I wrestled. Did you know "Israel" means "wrestling with God?" This gives me great comfort in that I feel like I wrestle often. Lately, my Abba Father has been gracious to lead me gently as I have been reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I could write several blogs about the miracles that have taken place in my heart because of her writing (she also has a blog: www.aholyexperience.com). Her book, in turn, led me to "For the Life of the World" by Alexander Schmemann. Wow. Anyway, through these books, through the power of the Holy Spirit, God has awakened me to a radical idea.
All I do is worship.
Getting up, making breakfast (even organic poptarts), sweeping, transporting my Butterfly-Daughter to all of her high school functions, all is worship. From the time of Creation, God blessed all things, all peoples. Every act is a response, every act an act of thanks and praise back to Him for creating us, creating our lives.
This inspires me. This is much better than law, than responsibility, than duty. This is grace, this is love, this is life. Why do we want to separate the Sunday-sacred and the Secular-Workaday? Does that make us more comfortable, maybe like we are in charge all week and we will let God have His day? No, just because God specifically blessed the Sabbath did not mean that all others day were not blessed as well as He blessed all creation. He blesses, He gives, He loves, He moves, He plans, He draws. And as we respond in faith, faith in who God says He is and who He says we are, we worship.
So tomorrow, I will rise. I will rise in worship.
All is worship for He is worthy.
He is worth my all.

Dandelion Promises

Dandelion fronds followed me on my run today.
Lately, I have been lacking motivation on my runs. Seven miles seems a formidable distance for someone who has only been running since February.  I believe God has me running because I have to depend so much on Him through faith. It was obedience. It is now worship.
As always, I prayed as I began, thanking Him for health, thanking Him for an opportunity to live beyond myself. I rounded my first corner, the wind blew, and thousands of white puffs surrounded me. I sensed His presence and His delight immediately. My soul was strengthened. My legs were strengthened. And I was able to finish seven miles.
My Abba Father loves me so; how could I not return such love? How could I not respond with wonder? I am so blessed. And I am so thankful.