(graduation)

We are taking pictures, in front of the mantle, outside by the crepe myrtle. My daughter looks like a vision in purple with her friend-boy, so grown-up, Cinderella going to the Prom-Ball. I am trying to be happy. I am trying so hard that my fingernails are digging into my palms. I smile to keep the clinging sadness away, feign joy so that her night will be magical.

But, I must admit, this is all a little depressing.

In four short days, my first child, my little girl, my only girl will graduate from high school. The end. And the beginning.

I admitted to her recently that it took all I had every day of her senior year to not take her face in my hands and cry, "YOU ARE LEAVING ME!!" She thought it was funny. I tried to laugh, too, but I am going to miss her so very much.

I am happy for her, cognitively. I am glad that she is graduating well, going to a good college. I am thankful that she has lived in such a way that is pleasing to her Maker. Really. I think it is great that she is growing up, moving on with her life. I don't want her clinging to me, resisting growth and change. No, I am glad that she feels ready.

I only wish that I could put these feelings at bay, that I could stop being so daggum sentimental about everything. I cry at the drop of a hat nowadays, even at her Mother's Day card and gift. It's embarrassing! My whole family just rolls their eyes at me.

Bittersweet. The perfect word, because even though all those things are true about the fact that I am enjoying seeing her grow up, she is also growing away. And this is one more step closer to her being really on her own.

I know release is important. It doesn't mean it's easy.

So I will go to that blessed event, that Graduation From High School, and look forward with my daughter to a brand new season of life. And know down deep in my heart that I can feel good about the sadness. Because it is that sadness that shows me that I really do care, that my precious daughter does mean so much to me, that I cannot imagine life without her. That if life really is about loving God and loving others, that there is no time wasted when we are highly invested in those we love.

I will be the one with tears and a smile.