(*mmmmawwidge)

Can we just say that marriage is hard?

Can we just say that without me bleeding all over the page, letting you into all the secret places that nobody is supposed to see, especially because I am a - dare I? - pastor's wife??


I know, I know. I am supposed to have it all together! I know, my life is wonderfully easy, perfect kids, husband who loves the Lord, I know, I know, I know!

But can we just say it, can we just admit that life together tends to bring out the worst? Especially close together. Really, really close together.

That closeness, that place where you can scrutinize, psychologize, criticize each and every defect, every irritable trait, every physical blemish, every frustrating agenda, every disagreeable thing; that closeness breeds contempt. It just does.

That's why sometimes it is a good idea to step back for a second and remember. Remember that the stuff I see in the other is one thing. I have my own stuff. I mean, I'm okay with my own stuff. I've had my own stuff for quite some time and I'm comfortable with the fact that I have stuff.

The thing is, I will never move forward in relationship with anyone until I recognize that my stuff is just as big and ugly and their stuff is to me. That's why it's hard. Because their stuff bumps into me and brings out my stuff, that even though I am comfortable with my stuff, it's frustrating to have to deal with my stuff and their stuff at the same time. And that collision makes me feel bad because then I see my stuff in blooming technicolor and it suddenly doesn't look so good or feel so comfortable. I could blame them, I could blame the other for their stuff, thinking it's their fault for bringing out the worst in me. Or I could just know that whatever is inside of me is what comes out when I am squeezed.

Is the fault in the squeezing or in what the squeezing produced?

Ahh, therein lies the rub.

Can we just say that marriage is hard?

(*see Princess Bride)